Only in the Struggle

Food Journal (11 - 17 April)

Mon, 18 Apr 2011 14:16:18 -0400

Total: 7,305 calories
Daily Average: 1,045 calories/day

[ Monday, 11 April; Total= 960 ]

Breakfast: pear (80)
Snack: peanut M&Ms (250)
Lunch: none (0)
Snack: iced latte (100)
Dinner: roll (180) + beef brisket (350)

[ Tuesday, 12 April; Total= 1,050 ]

Breakfast: 1 cup skim milk (80) + banana (80)
Snack: tea and biscuits (200)
Lunch: Easter candy (200)
Snack: skim milk (90)
Dinner: chicken summer roll (400)

[ Wednesday, 13 April; Total= 890 ]

Breakfast: banana shake (180)
Snack: pear (80)
Lunch: granola bar (100)
Snack: iced latte (100)
Dinner: stellette (300) + egg (80) + pasta sauce (50)

[ Thursday, 14 April; Total= 1080]

Breakfast: banana shake (180)
Snack: none (0)
Lunch: stellette (200) + egg (80) + pasta sauce (50)
Snack: iced latte (100)
Dinner: spinach (15) + 1/4 cup walnuts (130) + 1/4 cup craisins (100) + 1/2 cup strawberies (25) + 1/4 cup bleu cheese (170) + 2 tablespoons fat-free ranch (30)

[ Friday, 15 April; Total= 720 ]

Breakfast: small frozen yoghurt and fruit (200)
Snack: mini microwave popcorn (100)
Lunch: small chocolate frozen yoghurt with chocolate pieces and raspberries (300)
Snack: iced caramel macchiato (140)
Dinner: none (0)

[ Saturday, 16 April; Total= 905 ]

Breakfast: egg substitute omelette (70) + turkey bacon (45)
Snack: none (0)
Lunch: small chocolate frozen yoghurt with chocolate pieces and raspberries (300)
Snack: cereal bar (100)
Dinner: shrimp (130) + sweet potato (160) + brown sugar (50) + butter (50)

[ Sunday, 17 April; Total= 1700]

Breakfast: soft pretzel (300)
Snack: edamame (100)
Lunch: nothing (0)
Snack: crepe (300)
Dinner: burger and fries (1000)

Losing weight? Maybe?

Sun, 10 Apr 2011 22:27:49 -0400

I feel like, when I glance in the mirror for a second, the shape of me is starting to look more typically male. I catch myself grinning stupidly to think things like, ‘And when I don’t have to wear too-large jeans to hide my hips…’ and ‘And when I can pass in the pool…’

I shouldn’t be that excited. None of this means anything; I don’t pass, I don’t have the self-trust to try out male pronouns, and my mother’s started to get aggressive about ‘this whole gender crisis thing,’ which is making me anxious.

But when I can look in the mirror and see myself as male—or even just as possibly male, even if just for a second—well, cue the goofy grin.

Food Journal (4 April - 10 April)

Sun, 10 Apr 2011 22:20:55 -0400

Weekly Total: 6,010 calories
Average Per Day: 860 calories

[ Monday, 4 April; Total= 785 ]

Breakfast: 1/4 cup egg beaters (30) + 2 egg whites (30) + 2 strips turkey bacon (30)
Snack: Balance Bar (200)
Lunch: 1/3 cup banana (60) + 6 oz skim milk (80)
Snack: nothing
Dinner: 1/2 cup mashed potatoes (175) + 1/2 cup fat free beef gravy (50) + large carrot (30) + 1/2 cup broccoli (30) + 2/3 cup green peas (70)

[ Tuesday, 5 April; Total= 795 ]

Breakfast: 1/4 cup egg beaters (30) + 2 egg whites (30) + 2 strips turkey bacon (30)
Snack: protein shake (180)
Lunch: mini microwave popcorn (100)
Snack: iced non-fat caramel macchiato (140)
Dinner: baked potato (225) + 1/3 cup vegetarian chili (50)

[ Wednesday, 6 April; Total= 815 ]

Breakfast: 2 strips turkey bacon (30) + 6 oz skim milk (80) + banana (90)
Snack: gorp (175)
Lunch: mini microwave popcorn (100)
Snack: skinny caramel macchiato (140)
Dinner: 1/3 cup mashed potatoes (100) + 1/3 cup fat-free gravy (30) + 2/3 cup peas (70)

[ Thursday, 7 April; Total= 735 ]

Breakfast: large pear (120)
Snack: skinny caramel macchiato (140)
Lunch: iced cappuccino (150)
Snack: mini portuguese roll (100) + tuna (150)
Dinner: 3/4 serving edamame (75)

[ Friday, 8 April; Total= 670 ]

Breakfast: mini portuguese roll (100) + turkey bacon (30) + egg (80)
Snack: cereal (200)
Lunch: turkey (50) + 1/2 roll (100) + 2 chocolate squares (110)
Snack: much-needed sleep (0)
Dinner: much-needed sleep (0)

[ Saturday, 9 April; Total= 1070 ]

Breakfast: 1 cup skim milk (110) + banana (80)
Snack: mini microwave popcorn (100)
Lunch: spinach (15) + 1/4 cup walnuts (130) + 1/4 cup craisins (100) + 1/2 cup strawberies (25) + 1/4 cup bleu cheese (170) + 2 tablespoons fat-free ranch (30)
Snack: skinny caramel macchiato (100)
Dinner: mini portuguese roll (100) + turkey bacon (30) + egg (80)

[ Sunday, 10 April; Total= 1140 ]

Breakfast: 1 cup skim milk (110) + banana (80)
Snack: gouda cubes (150)
Lunch: 16oz coffee light frappuccino (110) + light whipped cream (100)
Snack: peanut M&Ms (250)
Dinner: hollowed-out roll (150) + 2 eggs (160) + 2 pcs turkey bacon (30)

Photo

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 12:10:28 -0400

Weight Loss Meme: Day 5 & 6

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 12:06:34 -0400

Day Five: Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?

Day Six: Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.

To be honest? I want to lose this weight because I hope that if I do, I’ll look more like a boy.

I talk about this a bit in my introduction post. Essentially: most of the fat that I carry, I carry around my hips, butt, and thighs, giving me an unmistakably female fat pattern that I feel will always keep me from passing as male. I’m fairly tall and have an angular-enough face that I can often pass otherwise, but my wide hips are a dead giveaway.

I don’t know why I want to be seen as male so much. I’m still working to figure it out. But lessening the obviousness of my feminine fat pattern, I think, will do wonders for my ability to present as a boy, so the weight is very worth losing.

Day Six: Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.

I have a tendency to eat my feelings from time to time and to eat more when I’m stressed and/or busy; and if I start eating real junk, I tend to eat a lot of it at once. In that respect, I guess that I do binge sometimes. That said, though, I’ve never binged with the intention of purging later; I don’t think that I could ever intentionally make myself vomit.

Weight Loss Meme: Day 4

Tue, 05 Apr 2011 21:13:51 -0400

Day Four: Your greatest fears about weight loss.

Uh. Not losing any weight? Weight that I’ve lost coming back? Losing weight and still not feeling right about or at home in my body? Losing weight from places that will only make my hips seem wider when compared to my shoulders?

Photo

Tue, 05 Apr 2011 21:12:35 -0400

Weight Loss Meme: Day 3

Tue, 05 Apr 2011 21:11:28 -0400

Day Three: A picture of your thinspiration. What features do you like about this person?

First, I feel compelled to say that I hate the word ‘thinspiration.’ I’ve really only seen it used on pro-ana blogs when celebrating photos of sufferers who are almost literally skin and bones.

But…

Admittedly, though my ideal ‘thinspiration’ is a far cry from what I look like now. I don’t really feel the need to be cut from bronze; it would be nice to be more muscle than fat, of course, and I know that part of camouflaging wide hips lies in bulking up the shoulders some, but I don’t see myself ever hitting the gym hard enough for a six-pack and super-pecs. That said, I feel like if I’m going to pass for male, I have to be quite skinny, indeed.

The first model (whose name I don’t know) is a great example of what I mean, and he even has slightly-wider-than-usual hips than I tend to see in male models, who I feel are either built like six o’clock or like the classic upside-down triangle. I’m wondering if I could aspire to hips like that. And collarbones like that.

I’ve included the second model because… I don’t know what that chest-to-navel groove is called, but I want it!

I don’t know, though. This isn’t really realistic, I feel. Even if I lose all my excess weight, even if I drop to skin and bones and zero per-cent body fat, my hips are always going to be wider than I’d like them to be. Wider than most guys’. My chest and shoulders will likely always be narrower.

(I’d also probably lose all of my hair.)

Hm. This was supposed to be ‘thinspirational,’ but it’s really just making me a bit sad and extra dysphoric.

(via fuckyeahskinnyguys)

Sun, 03 Apr 2011 23:08:16 -0400

(via fuckyeahskinnyguys)

Food Journal (28 March - 3 April)

Sun, 03 Apr 2011 22:55:02 -0400

For the past week, I’ve been following a modified version of the ‘Healthy Skinny ~~Girl~~ Kid Diet,’ which has no strict restrictions on what you ought to eat but does guide how many calories you should consume. I think that calories from fruits and vegetables aren’t supposed to count toward daily totals, but I counted them anyway, or I would have likely been eating six pears a day and ‘not counting’ hundreds of calories, etc.

I was slightly under the recommended count some days and slightly over on others, but I think I did fairly all right for Week 1, apart from being very carb-heavy and protein-light some days. (Not ideal for muscle-nourishment or for fat-loss.) So, that’s a goal for next week.

Roll on, Week 2.

Weekly Total = 6,585 calories
Daily Average = 941 calories/day

Meal Details:

[ Monday, 28 March; Total= 800 ]

Breakfast: Oolong Tea (0) + Banana/Milk Shake (250)
Snack: Nothing (0)
Lunch: Iced Tea (0) + Beef Jerky (150)
Snack:Oolong Tea (0) + 1 egg (80) + 1 egg white (15)
Dinner:Green Tea (0) + Large Baked Potato (250) + 1/2 cup Vegetarian Chili (50)

[ Tuesday, 29 March; Total= 780 ]

Breakfast: Green Tea (0) + 1 egg (80) + 1 egg white (15) + 3 slices turkey bacon (45)
Snack: Chocolate-covered pretzel rod (150)
Lunch: Black Tea (0) + Milk (50) + Carrot & Celery Cup (70)
Snack: Banana/Milk Shake (250)
Dinner: single espresso (0) + 1 cup dry cereal (120)

[ Wednesday, 30 March; Total= 890 ]

Breakfast: green tea (0) + 1 egg (80) + 1 egg white (15) + 3 slices turkey bacon (45)
Snack: green tea (0) + one shot espresso (0) + 1 cup dry cereal (120)
Lunch: oolong tea (0) + small banana/milk shake (200)
Snack: iced black tea (0) + beef jerky (80)
Dinner: oolong tea (0) + 1 cup chicken curry soup (350)

[ Thursday, 31 March; Total= 1030]

Breakfast: green tea (0) + 3/4 cup cereal (120) + 1/2 cup skim milk (50)
Snack: green tea (0) + mini microwave popcorn (100)
Lunch: carrots and celery (10) + 2 tsp ranch dressing (50)
Snack: double espresso (0) + 6 oz skim milk (85) + small banana/milk shake (160)
Dinner: 1/2 cup mashed potatoes (175) + 1/2 cup fat free beef gravy (50) + large carrot (30) + 1/2 cup broccoli (30) + 2/3 cup green peas (70) + 1/2 cup creamed corn (100)

[ Friday, 1 April; Total= 970 ]

Breakfast: oolong tea + egg/turkey bacon/cheddar/spinach casserole (150)
Snack: mini microwave popcorn (100)
Lunch: banana/milk shake (200)
Snack: carrots and celery (20) + 1 tablespoon reduced fat peanut butter (85) + espresso (0) + 1/2 cup skim milk (55)
Dinner: 4.7 oz cod (140) + 1 cup brown rice (190) + lime juice (10) + capers (5) + spinach (15)

[ Saturday, 2 April; Total= 1015 ]

Breakfast: 1/4 cup egg beaters (30) + 1 egg white (15) + 3 slices turkey bacon (45) + spinach (10) + reduced fat cheddar cheese (25)
Snack: egg/turkey bacon/cheddar/spinach casserole (150)
Lunch: baked potato (225) + 1/3 cup vegetarian chili (50)
Snack: small chocolate frozen yoghurt (180) + chocolate pieces (80) + raspberries (10)
Dinner: mini microwave popcorn (100) + 6 oz skim milk (85)

[ Sunday, 3 April; Total= 1100 ]

Breakfast: egg/turkey bacon/cheddar/spinach casserole (150)
Snack: 1 egg (80) + 1 egg white (15) + carrots & celery (10)
Lunch: baked potato (225) + 1/3 cup vegetarian chili (50)
Snack: small chocolate frozen yoghurt (180) + chocolate pieces (80)
Dinner: 4.7 oz cod (140) + 1/2 cup brown rice (95) + lime juice (10) + capers (5) + small skinny iced latte (60)

Weight Loss Meme: Day 2

Sun, 03 Apr 2011 12:48:00 -0400

Day Two- How tall are you? Do you like your height?

I think I’m 5’9”.

That’s what I got measuring myself just now, anyway, but depending on who’s got the tape and pencil, I come in at anywhere from 5’8” to 5’10”.

I know that 5’9” isn’t bad—it’s even average for adult Welsh men—but I’ve always thought it’d be better to be taller (and to have bigger feet). Both of my parents, my brother, and all of my uncles and male cousins are 6’0” or over, and the tallest of them even have daughters who I believe are taller than me now, which hardly seems right. I’ve clearly come up on the shallow end of our gene pool.

In short: I feel short. It’d be grand to be 6’1”.

Weight Loss Meme: Day 1

Sat, 02 Apr 2011 02:01:00 -0400

Day One: Your Stats

Not entirely sure what’s meant by ‘stats,’ but here goes. (The following are all numbers, but keep in mind that in addition to those numbers, I’m also a a Gemini, an INFJ, a B.A. candidate, a first child, a cat person, former black belt, and a current procrastinator. Those are all kind of stats too, I guess.)

And now, the numbers:

Age: 21 + 10 months
Height: 5’9” ± 0.5”
Weight: 160 lbs. ± 5 lbs.
Bicep (unflexed): 11”
Forearm (midway): 8.5”
Wrist: 6”
Chest (at fullest): 34”
Waist (at narrowst): 29”
Hip (around hipbones): 38”
Hip (around butt): 42”
Thigh (single; at fullest): 25”
Calf (single; at fullest): 15”
Ankle (single; above talus): 8.5”

Ryan Taylor, male model.

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 01:37:16 -0400

Ryan Taylor, male model.

Cheating at Being Trans?

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 01:32:36 -0400

Looking through exercise and weight-loss Tumblrs, I’ve noticed that quite a lot of people motivate themselves by marking every certain number of pounds lost with a small (or not-so-small) reward. A person looking to go from 160 to 130, for instance, might mark every ten pounds lost with a personal treat. Often, these rewards have something to do with appearance or physical well-being—which makes sense, considering that the ultimate goal of weight loss for many people is one of those two things—and typically include things like a new haircut, a massage, a manicure, new clothes, and other things in that vein.

I was trying to come up with possible rewards for myself today (since I’m easily bribed, even if I’m only bribing myself) but I hit a bit of a problem: all of my immediate thoughts were things that would use to feel better about myself as male. I thought of a pair of swimming trunks; a neoprene wetsuit top to use as a swimming binder; a baseball cap; a shirt and tie; a soft packer; and a men’s coat for next winter.

What business do I have even considering next winter?

In a way, I feel like it’s cheating. I feel like, if part of this whole weight loss challenge is my attempt to suss out whether I don’t feel at home in my body because it isn’t aesthetically ideal or because it isn’t male, I shouldn’t do anything to sway my thoughts one way or the other. I don’t know if this is just my internal transphobia talking or what, but I feel like I shouldn’t be encouraging myself in my attraction to maleness and my desire for male things for myself.

Fuck.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand what it is I’m feeling.

Maybe I’ll reward myself with some backpacking gear, if I can find anything durable and reasonably-priced. I’ve been thinking recently that I’d love to plunge into a long-distance walk/camping trip up the length of Britain or through western Europe, and it’d be hard to do that without a bivouac shelter and a pair of good boots.

(But, truth be told, I think that the appeal of that voyage would be getting me more or less away from the society that’s always going to see me as a woman and just living for and by myself, whoever I am.)

Fuck.

It's a really good thing that I like green tea.

Wed, 30 Mar 2011 15:34:26 -0400

And that I’m the proud owner of a brand new Aeropress, a cheap little coffee-press that brews coffee concentrate and fake espresso in only a few seconds. That’s going to make my drink-coffee-when-hungry-between-meals thing much easier. And much, much, much cheaper.

REBLOG IF YOU'RE IN COLLEGE AND TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT

Wed, 30 Mar 2011 10:44:54 -0400

Photo

Mon, 28 Mar 2011 01:40:56 -0400

Week #1 Begins Monday

Sun, 27 Mar 2011 23:24:00 -0400

As it currently stands, my plan is to alternate about two weeks of lower-calorie (about 1000 per day) consumption with two weeks of very restrictive (not much higher than 500 per day) consumption. I’m starting slowly for two reasons: first, I’ve been letting myself go for the past week or so, and to dive right into 500 calorie days would likely be a nasty shock to the system; and second, I’ve three or four massive assignments due in the nest two weeks, and I don’t want to be starving and exhausted as I try to write them.

I mentioned earlier that almost a month’s worth of P90X didn’t get me the kind of results that I was hoping to see, but I think that I’m going to try to incorporate some of its strength-training plans as I cut back on the calories. One of the points that P90X really hammers home is that you need to be taking in quite a few calories in order to see big gains in muscle, and because I was sticking very closely to the plan, I was probably eating more on P90X than I would have been eating on my own. So we’re going to see what retaining some of the weight-training and cutting some of the calorie intake does.

Fingers crossed. I got sir’d leaving a store tonight, so I’m feeling pretty hopeful.

Photo

Sun, 27 Mar 2011 02:12:18 -0400

"“When you have no testosterone, you have no desire. And when you have no desire, you don’t have any..."

Sun, 27 Mar 2011 02:11:02 -0400

“

“When you have no testosterone, you have no desire. And when you have no desire, you don’t have any content in your mind. You don’t think about anything… It wasn’t that I was behaving [differently]; it was that I was NOT behaving. At all. I was, when I was awake, literally sitting in bed and staring at the wall—with neither interest nor disinterest—for three, four hours at a time. If you’d had a camera in the room, you would have thought I was comatose.

I would go out, I’d buy some groceries early in the morning, and that’d be it; my day had no content. I had no interest in even watching TV, much less reading the newspaper or a book… There was absolutely no desire.”

”

- Anonymous cis man who, due to medical reasons, was not producing or otherwise receiving testosterone for a number of months. From a 2002 edition of This American Life, available here. (via qualiseram)